Last year on my birthday, I sat in a waiting room waiting for a second ultrasound to confirm what we already knew; we had lost our second baby. We had lost our first 7 months earlier. We were devastated. Heartbroken. Angry. We were a lot of things. But hopeless was not one of them. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would give me a child. I read Sarah and Abraham’s story. I read Hannah’s story. And I prayed. I told God I was angry with Him. He could have changed this, saved my baby. He didn’t.
I told God we were on Time Out. I loved Him, but I needed space. Space so I would not become bitter with Him. I needed time to be angry. I believe my Heavenly Father graciously stepped back and gave me the space I needed. I believe He wanted to hold me and share in my pain. I believe he wanted to comfort me. But I believe He knew what I needed. He created me after all. He made me the woman I am. He made me independent. He knows how I operate. He knows I do not like to be coddled. And I believe He was ok with it. He stepped back, but never out of my life. He gave me the space I needed to deal with the circumstances that were thrust upon me. I believe He knew that allowing me the distance I needed, it would draw me closer to Him.
I never stopped loving Him or believing Him. I did not stop praying. I just stopped pleading. I stopped telling Him what I wanted and why I was angry and how hurt I was. I just existed. I went through my life acknowledging God, His power, His presence, but I kept my distance. I felt like the errant teenager ever at odds with her parents, who spent her days, hours, and minutes caged in her room. Protecting herself, tolerating circumstances that were beyond her control. Loving her parents, but not understanding them. My relationship with God grew stronger. I grew closer to Him through the distance I imposed. It was inevitable, or I fear I would have become bitter towards Him.
During this time a 3rd miscarriage occurred. But I did not delve into a deep depression, a sea of hopelessness. Instead, I demanded answers from doctors. I made an appointment at a fertility clinic and prayed that God would put me in the care of the right doctors. He did. He so came through. Within 6 weeks of my appointment, I had 2 diagnoses. Both easily managed. My Dr. was proactive, he wasted no time. This is my kind of doctor. This was God’s hand. His provision. For that I am so thankful.
I could go into specifics with you. But I won’t. I am very transparent about my feelings, but I do not like sympathy. So please do not feel sorry for my husband and I. We are so blessed. Blessed that the few family and friends who knew what we were going through prayed for us. Believed God for us. We are blessed that we have three angel babies in Heaven waiting to meet us someday. We are blessed that our situation has given us vast knowledge about infertility and are able to help others in their own struggles with infertility. We are blessed that our problems were easily fixed. We are blessed.
This year on my birthday, I sat in a waiting room, waiting to hear my baby’s heartbeat. She is strong, healthy and measuring perfectly. Though sorrow may last for the night joy comes in the morning, friends. We are blessed that we are 22 weeks along with a healthy baby girl. See, God was always there. He never left us. I imagine Him standing with His head against my bedroom door that I locked myself in, whispering, “I know you don’t understand, but I promise this will all be okay. I love you and am taking care of you.” He did. He took care of us. Though the journey has been painful, there is a sweetness in the sorrow. Seeing God glorified. For the destination is beyond any beauty that I can imagine. Just because something hurts, it does not mean God has forsaken us. It means that He is with us; that we do not have to bear it alone. Our pain is His. I cannot say that I am like James, or heeding his advice in “counting it all joy”. Losing our babies was devastating and painful. But I can see where James is coming from. I have joy in knowing that my Heavenly Father took care of me, even when I distanced myself from Him. There is joy in knowing that I have proactive doctors. There is joy in knowing that He is in control. I am glad I did not have to do this alone. God gave me the perfect husband, who also knows how I operate. He dealt wonderfully with my out of character erratic emotions. And God was there the whole time, waiting for me. Waiting for me to be ready to be close to Him again. It is painful. It hurts. It’s not fair. But, it will be okay, for He is always near to us.